A few months ago, I began meditating on a semi-daily basis. I had two goals in mind, to calm myself and to come to terms with what life after residency would look like, my future plans, as they say. A tad ambitious for a first-time meditator perhaps but my goals nonetheless. In one of the guided meditation sessions, I was instructed to imagine life without a daily thought or task that consumed significant time. This was an easy assignment. Without hesitation I picked my cancer. Suddenly, I felt a relief and began imagining a life without cancer, all the things that would change, and the moments of happiness that would go along with its absence.
"The presence of my unwanted passenger has taught me to deeply appreciate the moments I spend with loved ones."
But what I imagined was not the “old” me. In fact, I had a hard time picturing myself before my cancer diagnosis. I glimpsed moments of her and yet it felt like trying to get inside the mind of a stranger. That Alwiya is no longer me. Looking back, my life was dominated by the future and trying to set myself up to be someone who I thought I would want to be five, ten, or fifteen years later. For a few moments, I could imagine the old me being a good friend, sister, and partner. But that was not the dominating feature.
The presence of my unwanted passenger has taught me to deeply appreciate the moments I spend with loved ones. Recently, I volunteered for a couple shifts in the bone marrow stem cell transplant service and I saw the pain and suffering my older brother must have endured. I had the opportunity to acknowledge his suffering and appreciate the moments I have had with him. I have learned to be present when talking to my siblings on the phone or Facetime. I appreciate the special bond I share with each of my siblings and their partners whether it is through the love of medicine, writing, reading, or learning more about them as fully formed adults. I now cherish the moments I have with my nieces and nephews and notice the small changes that occur with each photo I receive. I appreciate the dinners and holidays with my in-laws.
Lastly, I appreciate my relationship with my husband. I do not know what type of relationship my husband and I would have had if I was not diagnosed with cancer. However, I am grateful daily for the time we spend together hanging out at our home, hiking, going for walks, and getting lost in different worlds through our shared passion for reading. Sometimes we talk about what would have happened if, without a cancer diagnosis, we had chosen to continue long-distance during my residency training, we may not have worked out or our bond would not be as strong as it is. It would have been a different life.
Cancer will always be my unwanted passenger and yet it has brought me happiness too.
Keep Fighting,
Alwiya Ahmed